Disclaimer: This is a roast. Don't take everything to heart!
I love my parents. Though sometimes they can act really cringy. I mean, if I have to hang out with a friend, my parents will first make sure that my friend lives in a safe environment. Then they’ll go through a thorough investigative questionnaire to do a background check. They will ask questions like, where do you go to school, where do you live, where do your parents work, how many friends do you have, who all live with you at home, what all extracurricular activities do you do, how many A+’ do you have, what is your grade point average. At that point, my brother and I are squirming knowing this may be the last we see of that friend!
Grades
Don't even get me started on Indian parents and their obsession with grades! The other day I got 99.5 on my logic test. My mom immediately asked me, “Who all got a 100?” When I said, just one more kid, she snapped at me and said, “No one remembers that Buzz Aldrin was the second man to step on the moon. The world only remembers Neil Armstrong.” When I argued it was just half a point, she said, “it was just nine minutes later for Aldrin too.”
Oh, and one day when I got a hundred, my mom said, “I’d like you to go ask your teacher if there is room for extra-credits.” Seriously, mom?
Indian parents grade system is, A is Average, B is Bad, C is Chappal (slipper) on the face, D is Don't come home and F is Find a new family.
Food
Indian parents are obsessed about food, especially homemade food. My mom thinks the world comes to end on the days we have to take a hot lunch. She will go on a spiel about how she doesn’t know if the food has been cooked properly, if it’s frozen, if it’s stale, what’s its nutritional value. For God's sake, she even packs us lunch for field trips! Let me tell you a secret. She used to pack food even for plane rides. My brother and I came up with a plan on how to dodge that, so after her food went waste a few times, she stopped it. Now, don’t get me wrong. We eat out a lot. And, we also get our share of fries, shakes, burgers, pizza, and so on. But, still.
Oh, and one time, I saw her packing yellow lentils and spinach rotis to take for a friend in the hospital. Why would someone want to eat yellow dal and green roti when they are already sick? Yikes!
Comparisons
They always compare you with other children. No matter what you do, they always have a list of people/things to compare you against. For example, last weekend, I woke up late and asked my mom to make breakfast for me. I got a 20 minute lecture on how one of our family friends's son randomly decided to make breakfast just that morning and how fancy it was. And how many kids in our age group (barely 10 and under) make their own breakfast even on school days and manage their time with utmost panache. I’m sorry that I got hungry and even asked for breakfast!
Meditation
Indian parents treat meditation as the biggest medication. My dad thinks he will become a saint with his daily practice. Uh uh! Wonder where all his practice goes when I don’t finish Kumon on time. I wish someone could remind him in that moment the difference between being mindful and mind full!
Their childhood vs. our childhood
If my dad is driving us to school and the traffic is bad, he starts whining. “You know I used to manage my own time. I didn’t have the luxury of your daadu or dadi driving us back and forth to school. For my extracurricular class, I used to bike six miles and we didn’t even have a phone. We were just responsible.” OK, Dad! I don’t live close to my school. It takes us 20 minutes in a car. Should I start walking on the freeway at 6 in the morning?
Other kids vs. us
Indian parents put on their best behavior in front of other kids. If my parents take a bunch of our friends out and the kids ask if they can have something, their response will be, "Of course sweetie!" If we ask for something when it's just the four of us, the conversation goes either one of two ways. “If you want that, you have to earn it. I need you to unload the dishwasher and fold your laundry and make your breakfast for x number of days. Then I’ll think about it.” If it's something sugary, then they’ll say, “You have to run three miles this weekend before I take you to Baskin Robbins. Or do four days of consecutive swimming.” After all that I neither want the thing or the ice cream because I will NOT do the work or the workout. I will just ask my Mamu.
Future
My parents once asked a two year old what she wants to be when she grows up. She was not even potty-trained at that time! If we don’t answer questions about our future properly, they tell us that we will spend our life taking orders at a fast food drive thru.
Gossip
In our house, we have a board for family rules and one of the rules is, “Make time for gup-shup.” I swear my mom doesn’t let us sleep if we don’t gossip at the dinner table or before going to bed. But, if we gossip the way she does with her friends, then we get a scolding. “Oh, that is not a nice thing to say. You should never judge others. I have a three strike rule if you say that again. You are being a bucket dipper.” But, I recently heard her gossiping about someone’s dress with my grandma. Looks like my grandma doesn’t have a three strike rule for mom.
In conclusion, Indian parents are just depressing. But, I love my parents even though I can’t change anything about them.
